I Didn’t Love My Wife When We Got Married

Original article appeared on Pop Chassid’s blog

I’m a ridiculous, emotional, over-sentimental sap.
我是一个不可理喻,情绪化 , 过度- 敏感 的人

I guess that’s why I told my wife I loved her on our second date.

I had tried really hard up to that point to hold it back, honestly.
实际上, 我已经很 努力到那个时候才告诉她了。

I wanted to tell her on the first date, but I knew that would probably be weird.
第一次见,我就已经想告诉她了, 但是我知道那会一点奇怪

I still remember her reaction.

She kind of gave me this half-shy, half-amused smile.
她给了我一个一半害羞, 一半被逗乐的笑容。

Then she nodded and looked off into the sky.

I wasn’t heartbroken by the response.

I think part of me recognized that she was much smarter and more modest than me.

But as time has gone on, I also realized that she knew something that I didn’t.
过了一段时间, 我意识到她知道我不知道的东西

Like most Hasidic Jews (we both became religious later in life), our dating period lasted a very short time.
像很多Hasidic Jews一样 (长大之后,我们都成为了有信仰的人), 我们约会的时间不长。

After two months of dating, we were engaged.  Three months after that, we were married.
约会 两个月之后, 我们就订婚了。 再那三个月之后, 我们结婚了

And that whole time I was swooning.
那段时间里, 我觉得很飘飘欲仙。

But then we got married, and everything changed.
但是我们结婚之后, 所有事请都变了

Marriage, quicker than I was ready for, did this thing: it started sucking away that emotion.

I tried so hard to keep that fire going, to keep that emotion alight, but it got harder and harder.
我努力试着来维持这爱的火苗, 但是越来越难.

I mean, how you can feel that burning love when you’re sitting at the table discussing how to use the last twenty dollars in your bank account?
我问你, 当你们 讨论怎么样用最后的二十块钱的时候,怎么能感觉到爱呢

How can you feel it when you get into an argument?

And at first, it drove me nuts.
开始的时候, 那让我觉得糟糕难过

That excitement was how I knew I cared for her!

But suddenly, life was this grind.
但是忽然, 生活就成了这样的按部就班

Even when I was with her.

Especially when I was with her.

And even worse, it seemed that the harder I tried to be sentimental and lovey-dovey, the less it was reciprocated.
更糟糕的是, 我觉得我越努力试着感性 和 lovey-dovey,  收到的回报越少。

But it wasn’t that she wasn’t giving me love, it just seemed to come at different times.
但是不是她不给我爱。 只是来的时间不同。

 Like, when I offered to do the dishes.

Or make dinner after she had a hard day.
或者, 有一天她过得不顺利, 我为她做饭的时候

Or, once we had a daughter, when I shared the responsibility of watching over her.
或者, 当我们有女儿的时候, 和她一起分担照顾的责任

I don’t think I noticed this consciously for a while.
有一段时间, 这些事我都没意识到

It just kept happening.

But I think it had an effect on me.

Because as our marriage progressed, I found myself offering to help out around the house more and more.
因为随着结婚的时间越来越长, 我意识到 我要为家里做的事情越来越多。

And after each time, there would be this look she would give me.
每次这样之后, 她会给我一个表情

This look of absolute love.

One that was soft and so beautiful.

It took me longer than I care to admit to understand what was happening.
我用了很长时间承认我懂了在发生什么 。

But eventually it became clear.

Through giving, through doing things for my wife, the emotion that I had been so desperately seeking naturally came about.
通过付出, 通过为老婆做事情,我急切地想寻找的感受就自然地出来了

It wasn’t something I could force, just something that would come about as a result of my giving.
它不是一个我可以逼迫事情它是一个我付出之后, 会得到的结果

In other words, it was in the practicality that I found the love I was looking for.
换句话来说, 在现实中 , 我找到了我想要的爱。


Cindy Ng is a technology, business, and design hybrid. She currently writes for Varonis' Inside Out Security blog, covering data security and privacy.